Actor`s page Steven Wright, 6 December 1955, Cambridge, Massachusetts, USA!

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's *always* room temperature.

I was reading the dictionary the other day. I thought it was a poem about everything.

When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?

I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space....Show more »

A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said 'Wish you were here.' Show less «

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, may...Show more »

I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think, 'Hey, maybe I wrote that.' Show less «

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas...Show more »

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it. Show less «

You can't have it all . . . besides, where would you put it?

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I'm constantly tap dancing and wearing bright clothing and talking really loud and smiling all the t...Show more »

I'm constantly tap dancing and wearing bright clothing and talking really loud and smiling all the time. As soon as they can't see me I take off whatever I was wearing, step into my tap shoes, run back stage and turn the music on. - on what he's like off-stage Show less «

A lot of people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

We had a quicksand box in our backyard. I was an only child, eventually.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Yeah, it's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it!

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

Steven Wright

Steven Wright'S roles