[Melly has just swallowed a button from Pvt. Easy's jacket] 
Pvt. Easy : Oh, I do hope you're regular, Sir!
Capt. S. Melly : Regular? I've been regular for 18 years!
Pvt. Easy : Oh, good. That means I can have it back tomorrow, then.
Capt. S. Melly : You'll have it back when I'm good and ready.
Pvt. Easy : That's all right, Sir. No need to strain yourself!
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[on arrival at the mixed battery] 
Capt. S. Melly : Corporal!
Capt. S. Melly : That man, he's wearing lipstick!
Melly's driver : Lipstick sir?
Capt. S. Melly : Yes.
Melly's driver : Where?
Capt. S. Melly : On his face! Where do you think!
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Capt. S. Melly : You up there! What's your name?
Bombardier Ready : Ready, sir.
Capt. S. Melly : Ready? Ready... Willing... Able... This is ridiculous.
[Ready twitches] 
Capt. S. Melly : What are you doing?
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer : [shouts]  Twitching, Sir!
Capt. S. Melly : I can see that Sergeant Major, but why is he twitching?
Bombardier Ready : It's me nerves, Sir!
Capt. S. Melly : Trying to twitch your ticket, eh? Well, it won't work, Bombardier. You're in the army for the duration. Twitch your way out of that!
[Bombardier Ready keeps twitching] 
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer : Twitch off!
[Leans closer] 
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer : Wasted on me, boy!
Capt. S. Melly : Good man, and what's your name?
Gunner Shorthouse : Gunner Shorthouse.
[Melly reacts] 
Gunner Shorthouse : Gunner Shorthouse, Sir, that's my name!
[Melly moves along the line] 
Capt. S. Melly : And what is your name, my man? Er... woman.
Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe : Jennifer Ffoukes Sharpe, Sir, the Sharpe with an E and two F's in the Ffoukes. How do you do?
[Pvt Ffoukes crushes Capt S. Melly's hand while shaking it] 
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer : [Leaning in]  She too is also a ball squeezer, Sir.
Capt. S. Melly : Do your shoelace up and look sharp about it, Sharpe.
[She does so. before grabbing Sgt Maj Bloomer's leg and biting it] 
Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe : [Standing up]  Oh, Tiger! I think you wonderful. When are you going to savage me?
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer : If only you was a man I would sort you out!
Capt. S. Melly : [Pointing to Pvt. Owen's foot]  Well, you seem to have put your foot in it!
Gunner Owen : Not so much my foot, Sir, more my big toe.
Capt. S. Melly : What's wrong with your big toe?
Gunner Owen : Sprained it, Sir, didn't I, when I fell out of bed.
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer : [shouts]  Pushed out of bed, more like!
Capt. S. Melly : [Turns to Bloomer]  Pushed out of bed, Sgt Maj?
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Capt. S. Melly : Permission to carry on, Sir?
Brigadier : Please do.

Brigadier : Surely in the interest of efficiency, you shouldn't have someone with those
[points at Easy's breasts] 
Brigadier : doing that.
[points at the equipment] 
Capt. S. Melly : Do you know Sir, you are absolutely right,
Brigadier : Yes, well I do try and keep abreast of things.
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Capt. S. Melly : [calling Gunner Hiscocks]  Hiscocks!
Brigadier : I beg your parden?
Capt. S. Melly : Gunner Hiscocks! Replace those...
[points to Easy's breasts] 
Capt. S. Melly : ... Her, will you?
[points to Easy] 
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Capt. S. Melly : I'll show them who's wearing the trousers around here.

Capt. S. Melly : Have you got it up?
Sgt. Tilly Willing : I beg your pardon?
Capt. S. Melly : The shell, man, the shell.
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Capt. S. Melly : Quick march!

Capt. S. Melly : As a result, headquarters have at last agreed to send us that most desirable piece of equipment to have handy at time of war... namely a gun.
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Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer : I beg your pardon, Sir, but I has found you gets more out of the shower if they're's allowed to wake up sort of gradual like.
Capt. S. Melly : Well from now on, they're going to wake up sort of sudden like.
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[hysterical laughter] 
Capt. S. Melly : What are you laughing at?
Pvt. Murray : Well, I'm happy Sir.
Capt. S. Melly : Happy? What, here?
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[Capt. Melly gets a rubbish bin stuck on his backside] 
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer : Permission to un-numb bum, Sir?
Capt. S. Melly : [shouts]  Get on with it!
[Bloomer slaps Melly's bum and Melly yells with pain] 
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer : Cruel to be kind, Sir. Cruel to be kind.
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Capt. S. Melly : Frilly curtains? Basket of flowers? Brasiers?
Melly's driver : Pardon, Sir?
Capt. S. Melly : Knickers!
Melly's driver : Same to you, Sir!
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Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer : This is one of these new mixed batteries.
Capt. S. Melly : So, that's what the Brigadier meant when he said this battery was an experiment.
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer : Experiment, Sir. One does not need to experiment. They get that right of way, and all the time.
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Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer : Ah yes, Sir. They gives me a headache too.
Capt. S. Melly : It's not a headache. It's the stomach. There's a button in it.
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer : What you may now call a belly button, Sir.
[laughs] 
Capt. S. Melly : Oh, shut up!
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer : With respect, sir. 20 years I've been a Sergeant Major. Nobody told me to shut up before. I is the person what tells people to shut up, sir. It's one of the most important parts of my...
Capt. S. Melly : Shut up!
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer : Up!
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Capt. S. Melly : What the blue blank blazes is that?
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer : It's a gun, Sir.
Capt. S. Melly : But it's made of wood.
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer : It's not a real gun yet, Sir.
Capt. S. Melly : A gun emplacement without a real gun?
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer : With all respect, Sir. Remember there's a war on. Real guns is hard to come by.
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Capt. S. Melly : Are you a ventriloquist?
Bombardier Ready : Oh no. Church of England.

Capt. S. Melly : Surely you don't mean a bit of the other?
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer : There's that or the other, Sir. No matter what you call it, they has had it all, all the time. Been in and out of each others quarters like fiddler's elbows.
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Capt. S. Melly : Attention: All ATS personnel. I'm going to make men of you. As from this moment, skirts will not be worn. Skirts will not be worn.
Sgt. Tilly Willing : Well, that'll be a bit drafty.
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Capt. S. Melly : I'm going to make a couple of points here. Sergeant Major, when I said "that's all", I didn't mean "that's all", I meant "that's all", that's all.
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer : That sounds like a lot of all's, Sir.
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[Pvt. Ffoukes Sharpe has rammed a round into the gun] 
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer : Get that thing out of there!
Capt. S. Melly : [Whispering]  She rammed it up, it can stay up!
Sgt. Maj. Tiger Bloomer : In that case, gun loaded, Sir!
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Capt. S. Melly : [Melly enters the office, walks up to the desk, and salutes]  Captain Melly.
Captain Bull : [Looking up from the whiskey bottle]  No, you must have come to the wrong place - my name's Bull!
Capt. S. Melly : No, I'm Melly - S. Melly!
Captain Bull : Pity.
[holds up the bottle] 
Captain Bull : Have a drink!
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Capt. S. Melly : [Bull has kissed Melly on the cheek]  He actually kissed me!