Jack McFarland, Himself, Jack
Jack : We'll rent a movie. You're into gay porn, right?
Grace : Who isn't?
Grace : Who isn't?
Jack : We'll rent a movie. You're into gay porn, right?
Grace : Who isn't?
Grace : Who isn't?
Jack : My ride is here. It looks like a huff. I think I'll leave in it.
Jack : My ride is here. It looks like a huff. I think I'll leave in it.
[while watching basketball on TV]
Grace : Have you seen Matt yet?
Will : Yeah, he's right th...Show more »
Grace : Have you seen Matt yet?
Will : Yeah, he's right th...Show more »
[while watching basketball on TV]
Grace : Have you seen Matt yet?
Will : Yeah, he's right there, right on the sidelines. Just four clicks left of Spike Lee. Just right beside that little girl and her grandpa.
Jack : Uh, that's Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas.
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Grace : Have you seen Matt yet?
Will : Yeah, he's right there, right on the sidelines. Just four clicks left of Spike Lee. Just right beside that little girl and her grandpa.
Jack : Uh, that's Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas.
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Will : No, no. I don't want to have sex with you.
Jack : Oh, Will that wasn't sex. Okay, how do I...Show more »
Jack : Oh, Will that wasn't sex. Okay, how do I...Show more »
Will : No, no. I don't want to have sex with you.
Jack : Oh, Will that wasn't sex. Okay, how do I explain this? Okay, when a man and a man love each other very much...
Will : No, no... Psychic Sue said I was going to spend the rest of my life with a guy named Jack.
Jack : Jack who?
Will : Jack you.
Jack : Jack me?
Will : No thanks.
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Jack : Oh, Will that wasn't sex. Okay, how do I explain this? Okay, when a man and a man love each other very much...
Will : No, no... Psychic Sue said I was going to spend the rest of my life with a guy named Jack.
Jack : Jack who?
Will : Jack you.
Jack : Jack me?
Will : No thanks.
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[Grace and Jack have been seeing Vince at a grocery store with another man, Dennis, and think he's c...Show more »
[Grace and Jack have been seeing Vince at a grocery store with another man, Dennis, and think he's cheating on Will; they don't know that he was fired and now works there, and that Dennis is his boss]
Jack : [to Vince] We know what's goin' on.
Grace : Yeah, we know your filthy secret.
Dennis : Vince, I want your ass in aisle five.
[Grace gasps]
Dennis : And bring the mop.
[Jack gasps]
Jack : Oh, my God. What kind of a place is this? And why do I shop anywhere else?
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Jack : [to Vince] We know what's goin' on.
Grace : Yeah, we know your filthy secret.
Dennis : Vince, I want your ass in aisle five.
[Grace gasps]
Dennis : And bring the mop.
[Jack gasps]
Jack : Oh, my God. What kind of a place is this? And why do I shop anywhere else?
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Jack : You're so generous. I swear, if you weren't Jewish, you'd definitely go to heaven.
Grace :...Show more »
Grace :...Show more »
Jack : You're so generous. I swear, if you weren't Jewish, you'd definitely go to heaven.
Grace : Thanks, Jack. And if you weren't gay, you'd go there too.
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Grace : Thanks, Jack. And if you weren't gay, you'd go there too.
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Jack : I fooled around with Josh.
Grace : What?
Jack : Remember when I told you that there was...Show more »
Grace : What?
Jack : Remember when I told you that there was...Show more »
Jack : I fooled around with Josh.
Grace : What?
Jack : Remember when I told you that there was something about Josh that I couldn't put my finger on? Well, I put my finger in it.
Will : There was a saying on the island. Mana Na Kalaka. Kana Makalui.
Grace : What does that mean?
Will : I don't know. I just can't believe you ended up with another gay guy.
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Grace : What?
Jack : Remember when I told you that there was something about Josh that I couldn't put my finger on? Well, I put my finger in it.
Will : There was a saying on the island. Mana Na Kalaka. Kana Makalui.
Grace : What does that mean?
Will : I don't know. I just can't believe you ended up with another gay guy.
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[Jack is angry with Karen]
Karen : Hi, poodle.
Jack : Mm. How are you?
[to Grace]
Jack : Hi, Grace. Who's your daddy?
Grace : [confused] His name is Martin Adler.
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Karen : Hi, poodle.
Jack : Mm. How are you?
[to Grace]
Jack : Hi, Grace. Who's your daddy?
Grace : [confused] His name is Martin Adler.
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Jack : I don't know how much longer I can live with Will. I mean, every time I get in the shower wit...Show more »
Jack : I don't know how much longer I can live with Will. I mean, every time I get in the shower with him he's like, Jack, get the hell out.
Karen : I know honey, Grace is driving me nuts too. She can't concentrate on work anymore, she just sits around all day, doodling pictures of people's houses, on these enormous sketch pads. And then, she's on the phone all the time ordering furniture. Honey, where's she going to put all that, huh? In those "houses" she's drawing?
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Karen : I know honey, Grace is driving me nuts too. She can't concentrate on work anymore, she just sits around all day, doodling pictures of people's houses, on these enormous sketch pads. And then, she's on the phone all the time ordering furniture. Honey, where's she going to put all that, huh? In those "houses" she's drawing?
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[Will and Jack have bought a place in the country and are now trying to escape their crazy neighbour...Show more »
[Will and Jack have bought a place in the country and are now trying to escape their crazy neighbours]
Will : Come on, Jack, let's try the back door.
Jack : Will Truman! Coming on to me at a time like this!
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Will : Come on, Jack, let's try the back door.
Jack : Will Truman! Coming on to me at a time like this!
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Jack : So we need to get them back together, but how? Pretend to think, pretend to think.
Karen :...Show more »
Karen :...Show more »
Jack : So we need to get them back together, but how? Pretend to think, pretend to think.
Karen : Pretend to care, pretend to care.
Jack : Oh, I've got it. What we need is a plan. Some way to get them in the same room together.
Karen : Oh honey, that's genius, write that down. Oh, wait, not on that, that's for Will and Grace, that's an invitation to Joe and Larry's kid's birthday party.
Jack : Oh yeah, I got one of these too. Anyway, enough about that. We have to figure out a way to get them in the same room so they can work it out. But how? Ow, I just got a paper cut on this party invitation for Will and Grace.
Karen : Focus. We're trying to get them in the same room together. Forget about this party they're both invited to. Now, what do they both like?
Jack : Well, Will likes to be taller than everyone, and Grace likes to eat cake.
Karen : Where can we take them where there'll be small people eating cake?
[takes a sip of wine]
Karen : Oh, shoot, I just spilled on this invitation to a child's birthday party.
[pauses]
Karen : Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Jack : I don't know, are you thinking what it would be like to have Spiderman spray his web on you?
Karen : Okay that's just freaky.
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Karen : Pretend to care, pretend to care.
Jack : Oh, I've got it. What we need is a plan. Some way to get them in the same room together.
Karen : Oh honey, that's genius, write that down. Oh, wait, not on that, that's for Will and Grace, that's an invitation to Joe and Larry's kid's birthday party.
Jack : Oh yeah, I got one of these too. Anyway, enough about that. We have to figure out a way to get them in the same room so they can work it out. But how? Ow, I just got a paper cut on this party invitation for Will and Grace.
Karen : Focus. We're trying to get them in the same room together. Forget about this party they're both invited to. Now, what do they both like?
Jack : Well, Will likes to be taller than everyone, and Grace likes to eat cake.
Karen : Where can we take them where there'll be small people eating cake?
[takes a sip of wine]
Karen : Oh, shoot, I just spilled on this invitation to a child's birthday party.
[pauses]
Karen : Hey, are you thinking what I'm thinking?
Jack : I don't know, are you thinking what it would be like to have Spiderman spray his web on you?
Karen : Okay that's just freaky.
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[Jack has just seen Karen's enormous closet for the first time]
Jack : My God. If my closet wer...Show more »
Jack : My God. If my closet wer...Show more »
[Jack has just seen Karen's enormous closet for the first time]
Jack : My God. If my closet were like this I never would have come out of it.
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Jack : My God. If my closet were like this I never would have come out of it.
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Jack : I WOULD DIE, I WOULD JUST DIE!
Jack : I WOULD DIE, I WOULD JUST DIE!
Will : Got a hot date?
Jack : No, but the guy who's dating me does.
Jack : No, but the guy who's dating me does.
Will : Got a hot date?
Jack : No, but the guy who's dating me does.
Jack : No, but the guy who's dating me does.
Cher : Ya know dude, it is a little weird that you are talking to my doll.
Jack : Um I don't thin...Show more »
Jack : Um I don't thin...Show more »
Cher : Ya know dude, it is a little weird that you are talking to my doll.
Jack : Um I don't think that I need a drag queen to define normal behavior. But I will say this, the look, is flawless.
Cher : Whatever.
Jack : Ohh. Working the attitude. OK, you're good.
Cher : I've had a lot of practice.
Jack : Hey hey. You're not that great Mister Sister. I do a better Cher than you.
Cher : Ya think so?
Jack : Actually it's "You think so, hooooooooooooooe"
Cher : Are you kidding me with this?
Jack : OK, the hand is perfect, but it's more "are you kidding me with this, hoooooooooooe"
Cher : Get a life.
[walks away then turns around]
Cher : [sings] If I could turn back time.
Jack : [clears throat to sing] If I could turn back time, hoooooooooooe. Time hoooooooe. Time hoooooe. Time hoooooe.
Cher : [slaps Jack] Snap out of it!
[she leaves; Jack realizes who she really was and faints]
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Jack : Um I don't think that I need a drag queen to define normal behavior. But I will say this, the look, is flawless.
Cher : Whatever.
Jack : Ohh. Working the attitude. OK, you're good.
Cher : I've had a lot of practice.
Jack : Hey hey. You're not that great Mister Sister. I do a better Cher than you.
Cher : Ya think so?
Jack : Actually it's "You think so, hooooooooooooooe"
Cher : Are you kidding me with this?
Jack : OK, the hand is perfect, but it's more "are you kidding me with this, hoooooooooooe"
Cher : Get a life.
[walks away then turns around]
Cher : [sings] If I could turn back time.
Jack : [clears throat to sing] If I could turn back time, hoooooooooooe. Time hoooooooe. Time hoooooe. Time hoooooe.
Cher : [slaps Jack] Snap out of it!
[she leaves; Jack realizes who she really was and faints]
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Bill : Jack. You're hitting on me.
Jack : I'm shocked. And appalled. But are you interested?
Jack : I'm shocked. And appalled. But are you interested?
Bill : Jack. You're hitting on me.
Jack : I'm shocked. And appalled. But are you interested?
Jack : I'm shocked. And appalled. But are you interested?
[Val is making obscene positions in the elevator]
Will : Val? What are you doing?
Val : Oh, ...Show more »
Will : Val? What are you doing?
Val : Oh, ...Show more »
[Val is making obscene positions in the elevator]
Will : Val? What are you doing?
Val : Oh, nothing, just a liitle something to the security camera. A liitle gift for the boys in the basement.
Jack : Shut up, I do the same thing.
Will : I hate to disappoint you both, bu that's not a security camera, that's a smoke detector.
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Will : Val? What are you doing?
Val : Oh, nothing, just a liitle something to the security camera. A liitle gift for the boys in the basement.
Jack : Shut up, I do the same thing.
Will : I hate to disappoint you both, bu that's not a security camera, that's a smoke detector.
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[Jack is participating in a gay spelling bee, cutting from another scene]
Jack : - O-W, J-O-B. ...Show more »
Jack : - O-W, J-O-B. ...Show more »
[Jack is participating in a gay spelling bee, cutting from another scene]
Jack : - O-W, J-O-B. 'Eyebrow job.'
[later]
Jack : D-I-R-R-R-T-Y. Christina Aguilera's 'Dirrrty'?
[later]
Jack : - H-I-S. 'Mom, I don't know how to tell you this.'
Judge : [later] The word is... 'GQ.'
Jack : Did you say GQ?
Judge : Congratulations. You've made it to the final round.
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Jack : - O-W, J-O-B. 'Eyebrow job.'
[later]
Jack : D-I-R-R-R-T-Y. Christina Aguilera's 'Dirrrty'?
[later]
Jack : - H-I-S. 'Mom, I don't know how to tell you this.'
Judge : [later] The word is... 'GQ.'
Jack : Did you say GQ?
Judge : Congratulations. You've made it to the final round.
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[Elliot is on a soccer team]
Jack : [dragging Elliot into Will's apartment] Will someone talk...Show more »
Jack : [dragging Elliot into Will's apartment] Will someone talk...Show more »
[Elliot is on a soccer team]
Jack : [dragging Elliot into Will's apartment] Will someone talk to this kid? He's thinkin' about quitting the team.
Elliot : Yeah, because I'm awful. They even have a new nickname for me on the team. "Awful."
Jack : I give up. I throw up my hands and jut out my hip.
[he does]
Grace : [to Elliot] You know what, when I was your age, there were a lot of kids who said I couldn't kiss. But did I quit kissing? I did not. I stuck with it. I made out with every guy who would have me. And today...
[waves her hand around, showing off her wedding ring]
Jack : Not you, Whore-a Flynn Boyle!
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Jack : [dragging Elliot into Will's apartment] Will someone talk to this kid? He's thinkin' about quitting the team.
Elliot : Yeah, because I'm awful. They even have a new nickname for me on the team. "Awful."
Jack : I give up. I throw up my hands and jut out my hip.
[he does]
Grace : [to Elliot] You know what, when I was your age, there were a lot of kids who said I couldn't kiss. But did I quit kissing? I did not. I stuck with it. I made out with every guy who would have me. And today...
[waves her hand around, showing off her wedding ring]
Jack : Not you, Whore-a Flynn Boyle!
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Karen : Honey, I'm too tired to slap you. Bash your face up against my palm.
Jack : [rolls eyes a...Show more »
Jack : [rolls eyes a...Show more »
Karen : Honey, I'm too tired to slap you. Bash your face up against my palm.
Jack : [rolls eyes and does so]
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Jack : [rolls eyes and does so]
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Jack : Heard that. I am metaphorically curled up in the fetal position and you continue to kick me a...Show more »
Jack : Heard that. I am metaphorically curled up in the fetal position and you continue to kick me about the ear, nose, and throat?
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Jack : Biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, bog.
Mipanko : I win.
Jack : Damn. Ever...Show more »
Mipanko : I win.
Jack : Damn. Ever...Show more »
Jack : Biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, biggly, bog.
Mipanko : I win.
Jack : Damn. Every time.
Grace : What are you doing?
Jack : Playing Biggly Bog.
Grace : Biggly what?
Jack : Bog. It's like Taggly Dip, but with dice.
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Mipanko : I win.
Jack : Damn. Every time.
Grace : What are you doing?
Jack : Playing Biggly Bog.
Grace : Biggly what?
Jack : Bog. It's like Taggly Dip, but with dice.
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Jack : [mimicking phone call] Hello, "Day-Old News?" Yeah, I'd like to cancel Will Truman's subscr...Show more »
Jack : [mimicking phone call] Hello, "Day-Old News?" Yeah, I'd like to cancel Will Truman's subscription. Yeah. he's going to be giving his business to "Behind the Times." OK. OK, OK. OK. I love you, too. Bye-bye.
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Jack : I think I'm gonna have to put you on hold for just a second
[mimics throwing up]
Jack...Show more »
[mimics throwing up]
Jack...Show more »
Jack : I think I'm gonna have to put you on hold for just a second
[mimics throwing up]
Jack : okay, babe, what we're you saying?
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[mimics throwing up]
Jack : okay, babe, what we're you saying?
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Jack : [gasps] That was you taking my breath away!
Jack : [gasps] That was you taking my breath away!
[Describing his ideal man]
Jack : I don't care if he's rich or poor, fat or thin, as long as he...Show more »
Jack : I don't care if he's rich or poor, fat or thin, as long as he...Show more »
[Describing his ideal man]
Jack : I don't care if he's rich or poor, fat or thin, as long as he's rich and thin.
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Jack : I don't care if he's rich or poor, fat or thin, as long as he's rich and thin.
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Jack : Number of films with full frontal nudity... four! Number of films with full sidal nudity... t...Show more »
Jack : Number of films with full frontal nudity... four! Number of films with full sidal nudity... three! Number of films with rear frontal nudity... priceless!
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Jack : ...but when we get back to New York I swear I'm taking an EPT, and if it's blue I am not goin...Show more »
Jack : ...but when we get back to New York I swear I'm taking an EPT, and if it's blue I am not going through this alone!... again!
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Jack : Wow, Will, you did a great job planning this wedding.
[bowing]
Jack : I take my pants...Show more »
[bowing]
Jack : I take my pants...Show more »
Jack : Wow, Will, you did a great job planning this wedding.
[bowing]
Jack : I take my pants off to you.
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[bowing]
Jack : I take my pants off to you.
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Will : What, is the whole city gay?
Jack : Not yet, but if all goes according to plan, come tomor...Show more »
Jack : Not yet, but if all goes according to plan, come tomor...Show more »
Will : What, is the whole city gay?
Jack : Not yet, but if all goes according to plan, come tomorrow morning... muhahaha.
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Jack : Not yet, but if all goes according to plan, come tomorrow morning... muhahaha.
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[Jack doesn't believe that Eliot's mother is gay]
Jack : No, it can't be... same something lesb...Show more »
Jack : No, it can't be... same something lesb...Show more »
[Jack doesn't believe that Eliot's mother is gay]
Jack : No, it can't be... same something lesbionic.
Bonnie : Home Depot.
Jack : K.D. Lang you are a lesbian.
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Jack : No, it can't be... same something lesbionic.
Bonnie : Home Depot.
Jack : K.D. Lang you are a lesbian.
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Jack : It's time to put the sex back in homosexual, Will.
Jack : It's time to put the sex back in homosexual, Will.
Will : Their last party was so wild. All I remember is making out with some guy in a hot tub.
Jac...Show more »
Jac...Show more »
Will : Their last party was so wild. All I remember is making out with some guy in a hot tub.
Jack : Me too.
[Long pause]
Will : I really don't really remember that...
Jack : Me neither.
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Jack : Me too.
[Long pause]
Will : I really don't really remember that...
Jack : Me neither.
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Jack : Language was only needed when unattractive people were born so they could be commented on.Show more »
Jack : Language was only needed when unattractive people were born so they could be commented on.
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Jack : [about a very short guy Leo set Will up with] What we have here, is a pocket gay.
Will :...Show more »
Will :...Show more »
Jack : [about a very short guy Leo set Will up with] What we have here, is a pocket gay.
Will : A pocket gay?
Grace , Karen : A pocket gay?
Jack : A pocket gay.
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Will : A pocket gay?
Grace , Karen : A pocket gay?
Jack : A pocket gay.
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Karen : Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm devastated, too.
Jack : Mmm, it does, thanks.<...Show more »
Jack : Mmm, it does, thanks.<...Show more »
Karen : Well, if it makes you feel any better, I'm devastated, too.
Jack : Mmm, it does, thanks.
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Jack : Mmm, it does, thanks.
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Jack : Now you're talkin' Jackanese.
Jack : Now you're talkin' Jackanese.
Jack : [mimicing phone call] Hello? What's that? I'm bored? Thanks for calling.
Jack : [mimicing phone call] Hello? What's that? I'm bored? Thanks for calling.
Jack : Chow mein.
Jack : Chow mein.
Jack : I cost a little more but I'm worth it.
Jack : I cost a little more but I'm worth it.
Jack : Are you done? Wait a minute let me rephrase that. You're done!
Jack : Are you done? Wait a minute let me rephrase that. You're done!
Jack : Woah Woah Woah Shift It Back!
Jack : Woah Woah Woah Shift It Back!
Jack : Will Truman, don't think that we didn't see you and your big forehead sneaking out of that pa...Show more »
Jack : Will Truman, don't think that we didn't see you and your big forehead sneaking out of that party last night!
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Jack : [to Karen] You will never be a fish! Isn't it enough that you *drink* like one?
Jack : [to Karen] You will never be a fish! Isn't it enough that you *drink* like one?
Jack : You're caring and loving...
Will : You're just saying that to make me feel better.
Jack...Show more »
Will : You're just saying that to make me feel better.
Jack...Show more »
Jack : You're caring and loving...
Will : You're just saying that to make me feel better.
Jack : No I'm not. I mean, what would I get out of that?
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Will : You're just saying that to make me feel better.
Jack : No I'm not. I mean, what would I get out of that?
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Will : That sounds fun. What time is it on?
Jack : Uh, not really looking for any Johnny-come-lat...Show more »
Jack : Uh, not really looking for any Johnny-come-lat...Show more »
Will : That sounds fun. What time is it on?
Jack : Uh, not really looking for any Johnny-come-latelys.
Will : Oh, please, please, please, can't I be a flouncing geek, too?
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Jack : Uh, not really looking for any Johnny-come-latelys.
Will : Oh, please, please, please, can't I be a flouncing geek, too?
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Will : Well, good for you, Jack. What's the video about?
Jack : It's a hard hitting look at sexua...Show more »
Jack : It's a hard hitting look at sexua...Show more »
Will : Well, good for you, Jack. What's the video about?
Jack : It's a hard hitting look at sexual harassment in the workplace.
Will : Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I'm sorry, Jack. Sexual harassment? Starring the guy that asked his coworker at Starbucks if he had 2 nipples for a dime?
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Jack : It's a hard hitting look at sexual harassment in the workplace.
Will : Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I'm sorry, Jack. Sexual harassment? Starring the guy that asked his coworker at Starbucks if he had 2 nipples for a dime?
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Jack : Welcome to Cynical Island, population: you.
Jack : Welcome to Cynical Island, population: you.
[Jack has been annoying Will]
Jack : Ooh. Barracuda. What crawled up your culottes?
Will : N...Show more »
Jack : Ooh. Barracuda. What crawled up your culottes?
Will : N...Show more »
[Jack has been annoying Will]
Jack : Ooh. Barracuda. What crawled up your culottes?
Will : Nothing crawled up my culottes. It's just that you're two inches from my head, polluting my brain with your inane ramblings and buzzing through those chips like some queer gopher.
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Jack : Ooh. Barracuda. What crawled up your culottes?
Will : Nothing crawled up my culottes. It's just that you're two inches from my head, polluting my brain with your inane ramblings and buzzing through those chips like some queer gopher.
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Jack : He's a smarty pants, Will... he uses big words like 'particularly' and 'delicatessen.'
Jack : He's a smarty pants, Will... he uses big words like 'particularly' and 'delicatessen.'
Grace : On Christmas Eve, grandma lost both her legs to diabetes.
Jack : And then on Christmas Da...Show more »
Jack : And then on Christmas Da...Show more »
Grace : On Christmas Eve, grandma lost both her legs to diabetes.
Jack : And then on Christmas Day, she lost both her feet.
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Jack : And then on Christmas Day, she lost both her feet.
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Will : Grace, if you want to lose weight, try my diet. Whenever I want to eat I have a friend come o...Show more »
Will : Grace, if you want to lose weight, try my diet. Whenever I want to eat I have a friend come over and steal my food.
Jack , Grace : He's talking about you.
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Jack , Grace : He's talking about you.
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Jack : Guess what I just got off of eBay?
Grace : I don't know what you got, but I know a scooter...Show more »
Grace : I don't know what you got, but I know a scooter...Show more »
Jack : Guess what I just got off of eBay?
Grace : I don't know what you got, but I know a scooter that just won a homosexual.
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Grace : I don't know what you got, but I know a scooter that just won a homosexual.
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Jack : As you know, this weekend, my new show opens at the Duplex, and this year, I'm giving my fans...Show more »
Jack : As you know, this weekend, my new show opens at the Duplex, and this year, I'm giving my fans something I know they're dying for.
Grace : Their money back?
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Grace : Their money back?
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[Karen answers Jack's phone; it's Elliot and he wants to talk to Jack]
Jack : No, no, he's gonn...Show more »
Jack : No, no, he's gonn...Show more »
[Karen answers Jack's phone; it's Elliot and he wants to talk to Jack]
Jack : No, no, he's gonna - he's gonna try to get me to another one of his basketball games. It's just not my thing. Make up an excuse.
Karen : All right.
[into the phone]
Karen : Um, Elliot... Yeah, I've got some bad news. Jack and I were figure-skating and he plunged through the ice. Haven't heard from him since. Could I take a message? Okay. You're trying out for the cheerleading squad?
Jack : [runs over and grabs the phone] Brr, I'm back!
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Jack : No, no, he's gonna - he's gonna try to get me to another one of his basketball games. It's just not my thing. Make up an excuse.
Karen : All right.
[into the phone]
Karen : Um, Elliot... Yeah, I've got some bad news. Jack and I were figure-skating and he plunged through the ice. Haven't heard from him since. Could I take a message? Okay. You're trying out for the cheerleading squad?
Jack : [runs over and grabs the phone] Brr, I'm back!
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Karen : Anyone homo?
Jack : I am. I am.
Jack : I am. I am.
Karen : Anyone homo?
Jack : I am. I am.
Jack : I am. I am.
Jack : You shouldn't be dancing with him. He's not your stalker, your stalker is still at large.
...Show more »
...Show more »
Jack : You shouldn't be dancing with him. He's not your stalker, your stalker is still at large.
Kevin Bacon : But you fingered this guy.
Jack : I did not. We were just holding hands. Your stalker has been throwing pebbles at your window for the past 15 minutes or maybe you didn't hear me because the music was so loud.
Kevin Bacon : You... you're my stalker.
Jack : I prefer the term 'Professional Crazed Fan'. A job that's a hell of a lot more satisfying than sewing Prada labels in your Old Navy shirts. Go get yourself a new assistant. If you need me, I'll be in your hamper.
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Kevin Bacon : But you fingered this guy.
Jack : I did not. We were just holding hands. Your stalker has been throwing pebbles at your window for the past 15 minutes or maybe you didn't hear me because the music was so loud.
Kevin Bacon : You... you're my stalker.
Jack : I prefer the term 'Professional Crazed Fan'. A job that's a hell of a lot more satisfying than sewing Prada labels in your Old Navy shirts. Go get yourself a new assistant. If you need me, I'll be in your hamper.
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[Will and Jack walk in on Grace and Karen]
Jack : Hey ladies.
[to Will and Jack]
Karen ...Show more »
Jack : Hey ladies.
[to Will and Jack]
Karen ...Show more »
[Will and Jack walk in on Grace and Karen]
Jack : Hey ladies.
[to Will and Jack]
Karen : Hey ladies.
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Jack : Hey ladies.
[to Will and Jack]
Karen : Hey ladies.
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Jack : This makes me feel like a man.
Will : Yeah.
Jack : No, seriously, I'm going to need a m...Show more »
Will : Yeah.
Jack : No, seriously, I'm going to need a m...Show more »
Jack : This makes me feel like a man.
Will : Yeah.
Jack : No, seriously, I'm going to need a man after we're done.
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Will : Yeah.
Jack : No, seriously, I'm going to need a man after we're done.
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Jack : You sure you don't want to go to Joe and Larry's kid's party? You'll tower over people.
Wi...Show more »
Wi...Show more »
Jack : You sure you don't want to go to Joe and Larry's kid's party? You'll tower over people.
Will : I do like to feel tall.
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Will : I do like to feel tall.
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Grace : We're all here for you, right Karen?
Karen : Why wasn't I your girlfriend, queerbait?
...Show more »
Karen : Why wasn't I your girlfriend, queerbait?
...Show more »
Grace : We're all here for you, right Karen?
Karen : Why wasn't I your girlfriend, queerbait?
Jack : What?
Karen : You told your mother that Grace was your girlfriend, how could you?
Jack : But I didn't even know you when I made up that lie.
Karen : Oh yeah, but when you did, you should have broken up with her, and hooked up with me.
Jack : You're married, I'm gay.
Karen : Not in the lie.
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Karen : Why wasn't I your girlfriend, queerbait?
Jack : What?
Karen : You told your mother that Grace was your girlfriend, how could you?
Jack : But I didn't even know you when I made up that lie.
Karen : Oh yeah, but when you did, you should have broken up with her, and hooked up with me.
Jack : You're married, I'm gay.
Karen : Not in the lie.
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Jack : 1. Five hundred thousand dollars all in fifties. 2 A Shetland pony died pony blue to match my...Show more »
Jack : 1. Five hundred thousand dollars all in fifties. 2 A Shetland pony died pony blue to match my eyes. 3 Powder Blue Eyes.
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[Jack and Karen have just had a big fight over the Rosario/Jack divorce case. Jack flounces out of t...Show more »
[Jack and Karen have just had a big fight over the Rosario/Jack divorce case. Jack flounces out of the room but just before... ]
Jack : By the way your boobs look great today
Karen : [Quickly but cheerfully shows some of her top and cleavage] Thanks it's a one of a kind Jean Pierre just had it shipped in from Paris today.
[Pissed off]
Karen : NOW GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE.
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Jack : By the way your boobs look great today
Karen : [Quickly but cheerfully shows some of her top and cleavage] Thanks it's a one of a kind Jean Pierre just had it shipped in from Paris today.
[Pissed off]
Karen : NOW GET THE HELL OUTTA HERE.
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Will : The last thing I need in my life right now is somebody else's drama
[Grace opens door to r...Show more »
[Grace opens door to r...Show more »
Will : The last thing I need in my life right now is somebody else's drama
[Grace opens door to reveal Jack]
Jack : My wife is cheating on me, my life is ruined, Will help me!
Grace : Enter the drama queen, exit the neighbor.
[Grace exits]
Jack : Can you believe this? She wants to divorce me and marry Gardener! I'm out on the street!
Will : That's shocking. Is there any way you can tell me about this without screeching like a howler monkey?
Jack : [extremely high pitched] You know what, I don't need you! I have plenty of friends who would be more than happy to help me through this! Goodbye!
[Long pause, neither moves]
Will : You don't even pretend to leave anymore, do you?
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[Grace opens door to reveal Jack]
Jack : My wife is cheating on me, my life is ruined, Will help me!
Grace : Enter the drama queen, exit the neighbor.
[Grace exits]
Jack : Can you believe this? She wants to divorce me and marry Gardener! I'm out on the street!
Will : That's shocking. Is there any way you can tell me about this without screeching like a howler monkey?
Jack : [extremely high pitched] You know what, I don't need you! I have plenty of friends who would be more than happy to help me through this! Goodbye!
[Long pause, neither moves]
Will : You don't even pretend to leave anymore, do you?
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Jack : We need a good designer.
Karen : Do you know any?
Jack : Why isn't she speaking?
Kar...Show more »
Karen : Do you know any?
Jack : Why isn't she speaking?
Kar...Show more »
Jack : We need a good designer.
Karen : Do you know any?
Jack : Why isn't she speaking?
Karen : Because she's hypnotized by her own dress.
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Karen : Do you know any?
Jack : Why isn't she speaking?
Karen : Because she's hypnotized by her own dress.
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[Watching the first gay kiss on network TV]
Jack : This is bigger than the moon landing.
Wil...Show more »
Jack : This is bigger than the moon landing.
Wil...Show more »
[Watching the first gay kiss on network TV]
Jack : This is bigger than the moon landing.
Will : One giant leap for man-on-man kind.
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Jack : This is bigger than the moon landing.
Will : One giant leap for man-on-man kind.
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Jack : I don't know Truman it's kind of a turn off. Howabout mary fatjeans?
Jack : I don't know Truman it's kind of a turn off. Howabout mary fatjeans?
Jack : One day I hope to have a hag of my very own.
Jack : One day I hope to have a hag of my very own.
Karen : Jack I've spent years and my husbands millions learning about fashion. What are your qualifi...Show more »
Karen : Jack I've spent years and my husbands millions learning about fashion. What are your qualifications?
Jack : I'm gay.
Karen : Oh honey what would I do without you?
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Jack : I'm gay.
Karen : Oh honey what would I do without you?
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Karen : I know. Let's take pictures of us eating all this food and then show it to some homeless per...Show more »
Karen : I know. Let's take pictures of us eating all this food and then show it to some homeless person.
Jack : Karen. You are such a female Jesus.
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Jack : Karen. You are such a female Jesus.
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Jack : Sex is a drug, Karen. I should know. I'm a licensed dealer.
Jack : Sex is a drug, Karen. I should know. I'm a licensed dealer.
Jack : Mary Kate and Ashley, it's beautiful.
Jack : Mary Kate and Ashley, it's beautiful.
Jack : Wow, Elliot has two gay parents. That's like... every kid's dream.
Jack : Wow, Elliot has two gay parents. That's like... every kid's dream.
[Jack is meditating to prepare to tell his mom he's gay]
Jack : And now I'm calm.
[Here's a ...Show more »
Jack : And now I'm calm.
[Here's a ...Show more »
[Jack is meditating to prepare to tell his mom he's gay]
Jack : And now I'm calm.
[Here's a knock on the door and learns it's his mother]
Jack : Sarah Jessica Parker. Hide me.
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Jack : And now I'm calm.
[Here's a knock on the door and learns it's his mother]
Jack : Sarah Jessica Parker. Hide me.
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[Jack lost Will's boyfriend's dog and Will and Jack are trying to figure out what to do when he knoc...Show more »
[Jack lost Will's boyfriend's dog and Will and Jack are trying to figure out what to do when he knocks on the door]
Jack : Maybe it's not Paul.
Paul : Hi, it's Paul.
Jack : Maybe it's a different Paul.
Paul : Paul Bailey.
Jack : Maybe he forgot about the dog.
Paul : I'm here for the dog.
Jack : Maybe he's over you.
Paul : Oh, I've missed you.
Jack : Well, my work here is done.
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Jack : Maybe it's not Paul.
Paul : Hi, it's Paul.
Jack : Maybe it's a different Paul.
Paul : Paul Bailey.
Jack : Maybe he forgot about the dog.
Paul : I'm here for the dog.
Jack : Maybe he's over you.
Paul : Oh, I've missed you.
Jack : Well, my work here is done.
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Jack : He makes me want to be a bigger man.
Will : You mean a BETTER man.
Jack : That too.
Will : You mean a BETTER man.
Jack : That too.
Jack : He makes me want to be a bigger man.
Will : You mean a BETTER man.
Jack : That too.
Will : You mean a BETTER man.
Jack : That too.
Grace : I ran into Leo. But you can't tell Will I found out. I mean, *I* know, but he doesn't know I...Show more »
Grace : I ran into Leo. But you can't tell Will I found out. I mean, *I* know, but he doesn't know I know. And now that you know I know, you can't let Will know that you know I know, you know?
Jack : No... do you know?
Karen : I think I know, but I'm sure I don't care.
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Jack : No... do you know?
Karen : I think I know, but I'm sure I don't care.
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[about newly gay man Barry]
Jack : Will, you don't understand. We have to help the new gays. Nu...Show more »
Jack : Will, you don't understand. We have to help the new gays. Nu...Show more »
[about newly gay man Barry]
Jack : Will, you don't understand. We have to help the new gays. Nurture them, make them beautiful. We have to Gay It Forward.
Will : How long have you been sitting on that one?
Jack : Since the movie came out.
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Jack : Will, you don't understand. We have to help the new gays. Nurture them, make them beautiful. We have to Gay It Forward.
Will : How long have you been sitting on that one?
Jack : Since the movie came out.
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Val : I pretended your jockstrap was an oxygen mask all day today.
Jack : Okay, time to go, psych...Show more »
Jack : Okay, time to go, psych...Show more »
Val : I pretended your jockstrap was an oxygen mask all day today.
Jack : Okay, time to go, psycho.
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Jack : Okay, time to go, psycho.
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Will : Stanley Walker was a great man.
Grace : A nice man.
Jack : A FAT man.
Will : He was ...Show more »
Grace : A nice man.
Jack : A FAT man.
Will : He was ...Show more »
Will : Stanley Walker was a great man.
Grace : A nice man.
Jack : A FAT man.
Will : He was a decent man.
Grace : A kind man.
Jack : A surprisingly good dancer.
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Grace : A nice man.
Jack : A FAT man.
Will : He was a decent man.
Grace : A kind man.
Jack : A surprisingly good dancer.
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Jack : [to a guy who works in tv] TV? I love tv. "Buffy" is my life. So into Willow being a les, d...Show more »
Jack : [to a guy who works in tv] TV? I love tv. "Buffy" is my life. So into Willow being a les, did you have anything to do with that?
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Jack : When I first saw you I could tell you were bearing the weight of the world on your shoulders ...Show more »
Jack : When I first saw you I could tell you were bearing the weight of the world on your shoulders and about 30 on your hips.
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Jack : Have you lost your mind as well as your looks? I ain't babysitting.
Jack : Have you lost your mind as well as your looks? I ain't babysitting.
Jack : [to Will, about Elliott] Would it have killed you to acknowledge that he exists, or were yo...Show more »
Jack : [to Will, about Elliott] Would it have killed you to acknowledge that he exists, or were you too busy high-kickin' it with Nikki Kidman at the Moulin Rouge?
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Jack : Uma Thurman-Hawke, hide me.
Jack : Uma Thurman-Hawke, hide me.
Nathan : I'm Nathan, Grace's new boyfriend.
Jack : That's strange. I'm not getting a gay vibe fro...Show more »
Jack : That's strange. I'm not getting a gay vibe fro...Show more »
Nathan : I'm Nathan, Grace's new boyfriend.
Jack : That's strange. I'm not getting a gay vibe from you...
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Jack : That's strange. I'm not getting a gay vibe from you...
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Cher : Don't talk to me about rejection, okay? Look how many times I've gone down in flames. Remembe...Show more »
Cher : Don't talk to me about rejection, okay? Look how many times I've gone down in flames. Remember, I LOST the Oscar for 'Moonstruck'.
Jack : But you WON the Oscar for 'Moonstruck'.
Cher : And don't you forget it.
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Jack : But you WON the Oscar for 'Moonstruck'.
Cher : And don't you forget it.
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[Cher sings]
Jack : STOP IT. STOP IT. You're hawking your album during my dream?
Cher : Well...Show more »
Jack : STOP IT. STOP IT. You're hawking your album during my dream?
Cher : Well...Show more »
[Cher sings]
Jack : STOP IT. STOP IT. You're hawking your album during my dream?
Cher : Well, someone's gotta pay for these costumes and dancing fairies.
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Jack : STOP IT. STOP IT. You're hawking your album during my dream?
Cher : Well, someone's gotta pay for these costumes and dancing fairies.
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Cher : [to Jack during his dream] Follow your bliss jack...
Jack : [grabs one of Cher's dancers...Show more »
Jack : [grabs one of Cher's dancers...Show more »
Cher : [to Jack during his dream] Follow your bliss jack...
Jack : [grabs one of Cher's dancers] my bliss is this way.
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Jack : [grabs one of Cher's dancers] my bliss is this way.
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[Two kids are making fun of another kid]
Jack : Oh, my God, that mean bully act is so 1983 I co...Show more »
Jack : Oh, my God, that mean bully act is so 1983 I co...Show more »
[Two kids are making fun of another kid]
Jack : Oh, my God, that mean bully act is so 1983 I could vomit.
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Jack : Oh, my God, that mean bully act is so 1983 I could vomit.
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[Will invited Jack's mom to their Thanksgiving dinner]
Jack : The woman is a monster, and you c...Show more »
Jack : The woman is a monster, and you c...Show more »
[Will invited Jack's mom to their Thanksgiving dinner]
Jack : The woman is a monster, and you clearly did this to torture me.
Will : I did not. That was just an unexpected bonus, really.
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Jack : The woman is a monster, and you clearly did this to torture me.
Will : I did not. That was just an unexpected bonus, really.
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Jack : So, K, how's it going with the divorce? Do we know what we're getting yet?
Karen : Well, w...Show more »
Karen : Well, w...Show more »
Jack : So, K, how's it going with the divorce? Do we know what we're getting yet?
Karen : Well, we'll find out next week after the hearing, but I'm not worried. All we have to do is show that Stan cheated on me - which the filthy pig did - no hard feelings - may he rot in hell - I love him to pieces - the fat turd. And I get half of everything.
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Karen : Well, we'll find out next week after the hearing, but I'm not worried. All we have to do is show that Stan cheated on me - which the filthy pig did - no hard feelings - may he rot in hell - I love him to pieces - the fat turd. And I get half of everything.
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[Will and Jack are reading the newspaper]
Will : Yes. Intel is up 2-and-a-half points.
Jack ...Show more »
Will : Yes. Intel is up 2-and-a-half points.
Jack ...Show more »
[Will and Jack are reading the newspaper]
Will : Yes. Intel is up 2-and-a-half points.
Jack : Yes. My gym just got trampolines.
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Will : Yes. Intel is up 2-and-a-half points.
Jack : Yes. My gym just got trampolines.
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Jack : Sorry, no public displays of affection. They don't know I'm gay here.
Cam : I guess that m...Show more »
Cam : I guess that m...Show more »
Jack : Sorry, no public displays of affection. They don't know I'm gay here.
Cam : I guess that means you haven't spoken or moved.
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Cam : I guess that means you haven't spoken or moved.
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Jack : [to Grace] What I know is, a grown woman shouldn't wear pigtails.
Will : Yeah, what's th...Show more »
Will : Yeah, what's th...Show more »
Jack : [to Grace] What I know is, a grown woman shouldn't wear pigtails.
Will : Yeah, what's that about, Pipi?
Grace : You know, I really didn't want to be invited to the 'bitch brunch'.
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Will : Yeah, what's that about, Pipi?
Grace : You know, I really didn't want to be invited to the 'bitch brunch'.
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[about Jack's father]
Jack : He was the source of all my talent.
Will : But Jack... you don'...Show more »
Jack : He was the source of all my talent.
Will : But Jack... you don'...Show more »
[about Jack's father]
Jack : He was the source of all my talent.
Will : But Jack... you don't have any talent.
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Jack : He was the source of all my talent.
Will : But Jack... you don't have any talent.
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Jack : [answering the phone] Yeah?
[pause]
Jack : Yeah? Oh, my God. I'm so excited. I can'...Show more »
[pause]
Jack : Yeah? Oh, my God. I'm so excited. I can'...Show more »
Jack : [answering the phone] Yeah?
[pause]
Jack : Yeah? Oh, my God. I'm so excited. I can't wait to tell my friends.
[hangs up and runs to the door]
Jack : I'll see you guys later.
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[pause]
Jack : Yeah? Oh, my God. I'm so excited. I can't wait to tell my friends.
[hangs up and runs to the door]
Jack : I'll see you guys later.
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[Jack has his feet up on Grace's table]
Jack : I'm too much of a giver. That's right. I give a ...Show more »
Jack : I'm too much of a giver. That's right. I give a ...Show more »
[Jack has his feet up on Grace's table]
Jack : I'm too much of a giver. That's right. I give a little bit too much. Always putting other people's needs before mine. Well, no more. Before it used to be World, Jack. Now it's Jack, World.
Grace : Hey, Jack-world, how about you move your Jack-feet before I kick your Jack-ass?
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Jack : I'm too much of a giver. That's right. I give a little bit too much. Always putting other people's needs before mine. Well, no more. Before it used to be World, Jack. Now it's Jack, World.
Grace : Hey, Jack-world, how about you move your Jack-feet before I kick your Jack-ass?
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Jack : Who gets married on twenty-thou? My dress alone will cost fifteen.
Jack : Who gets married on twenty-thou? My dress alone will cost fifteen.
Jack : Jennifer Jason Leigh, these people are freaks.
Jack : Jennifer Jason Leigh, these people are freaks.
Jack : It's funny, but as a gay man, I'm strangely drawn to you.
Liz : Yeah, I get that a lot.Show more »
Liz : Yeah, I get that a lot.
Jack : It's funny, but as a gay man, I'm strangely drawn to you.
Liz : Yeah, I get that a lot.
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Liz : Yeah, I get that a lot.
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Jack : You cannot believe the day I had. Something must be dont.
Will : Ohh look, it's the Notori...Show more »
Will : Ohh look, it's the Notori...Show more »
Jack : You cannot believe the day I had. Something must be dont.
Will : Ohh look, it's the Notorious FAG.
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Will : Ohh look, it's the Notorious FAG.
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Grace : Who's Diane?
Jack : Oh, Diane is the woman Will slept with after he broke up with you. Yo...Show more »
Jack : Oh, Diane is the woman Will slept with after he broke up with you. Yo...Show more »
Grace : Who's Diane?
Jack : Oh, Diane is the woman Will slept with after he broke up with you. You knew about that. You told her.
[Grace looks hurt]
Jack : You didn't know about that? You didn't tell her?
[Grace gets up and walks out]
Will : Wait, Grace. Jack, when we get home I am going to rip your heart out through your foot.
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Jack : Oh, Diane is the woman Will slept with after he broke up with you. You knew about that. You told her.
[Grace looks hurt]
Jack : You didn't know about that? You didn't tell her?
[Grace gets up and walks out]
Will : Wait, Grace. Jack, when we get home I am going to rip your heart out through your foot.
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[On Lorraine]
Jack : We hate her. We hate her even more than the know-it-all daughter on 'The G...Show more »
Jack : We hate her. We hate her even more than the know-it-all daughter on 'The G...Show more »
[On Lorraine]
Jack : We hate her. We hate her even more than the know-it-all daughter on 'The Gilmore Girls'.
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Jack : We hate her. We hate her even more than the know-it-all daughter on 'The Gilmore Girls'.
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Will : This guy I had a date with tonight, used to be straight. I was his first homosexual date.
...Show more »
...Show more »
Will : This guy I had a date with tonight, used to be straight. I was his first homosexual date.
Jack : What. He just can't start sleeping with guys, who is he, Anne Heche?
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Jack : What. He just can't start sleeping with guys, who is he, Anne Heche?
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Jack : Why are you so angry? Why don't you tell me what this is really about? Oh... my god. You're i...Show more »
Jack : Why are you so angry? Why don't you tell me what this is really about? Oh... my god. You're in love with me, aren't you?
Will : Do you smell toast? Because I think you're having a stroke.
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Will : Do you smell toast? Because I think you're having a stroke.
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Karen : Wilma, I forget, which are you these days, gay or straight? Wait, wait! I'll do a little tes...Show more »
Karen : Wilma, I forget, which are you these days, gay or straight? Wait, wait! I'll do a little test. There's a penis and a vagina in a tent and it's on fire. Which one do you save?
Will : Why are they in a tent?
Karen : Oh, Will! I'm trying to do you a favor. I want to hook you up with my cousin Barry!
Jack : What? Why him? He's hideous!
Jack : [to Will:] No you're not.
Jack : [to Karen:] He's revolting!
Jack : [to Will:] That's not true.
Jack : [to Karen:] He's disgusting!
Karen : Oh, and when you meet him, where something tight. You've got good stuff in there.
Will : What am I, a sausage?
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Will : Why are they in a tent?
Karen : Oh, Will! I'm trying to do you a favor. I want to hook you up with my cousin Barry!
Jack : What? Why him? He's hideous!
Jack : [to Will:] No you're not.
Jack : [to Karen:] He's revolting!
Jack : [to Will:] That's not true.
Jack : [to Karen:] He's disgusting!
Karen : Oh, and when you meet him, where something tight. You've got good stuff in there.
Will : What am I, a sausage?
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Karen : How about a toast...
Karen , Jack : To Will and Grace's baby.
Will : I can't believe y...Show more »
Karen , Jack : To Will and Grace's baby.
Will : I can't believe y...Show more »
Karen : How about a toast...
Karen , Jack : To Will and Grace's baby.
Will : I can't believe you told her.
Grace : I can't believe you told him.
Will : He doesn't count, he never listens.
Grace : She doesn't count, she's always buzzed.
Karen : Hey, hey, hey. Hey, c'mon now... where are we?
Jack : ...I'm sorry, what?
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Karen , Jack : To Will and Grace's baby.
Will : I can't believe you told her.
Grace : I can't believe you told him.
Will : He doesn't count, he never listens.
Grace : She doesn't count, she's always buzzed.
Karen : Hey, hey, hey. Hey, c'mon now... where are we?
Jack : ...I'm sorry, what?
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Jack : There are no straight men. Only men who haven't met Jack.
Jack : There are no straight men. Only men who haven't met Jack.
Jack : Are there any Hobbits left in America?
Jack : Are there any Hobbits left in America?
Karen : Honey brace yourself. Stan is having an affair. He was caught red handed.
Jack : He was b...Show more »
Jack : He was b...Show more »
Karen : Honey brace yourself. Stan is having an affair. He was caught red handed.
Jack : He was by himself?
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Jack : He was by himself?
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Jack : Go, before somebody drops a house on you.
Karen : Up yours, Dorothy.
Karen : Up yours, Dorothy.
Jack : Go, before somebody drops a house on you.
Karen : Up yours, Dorothy.
Karen : Up yours, Dorothy.
[Jack and Grace are cooking]
Jack : This looks hard.
Grace : Jack, it's four packs of Easy M...Show more »
Jack : This looks hard.
Grace : Jack, it's four packs of Easy M...Show more »
[Jack and Grace are cooking]
Jack : This looks hard.
Grace : Jack, it's four packs of Easy Mac.
[pause]
Grace : It's *really* hard.
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Jack : This looks hard.
Grace : Jack, it's four packs of Easy Mac.
[pause]
Grace : It's *really* hard.
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[Thanks to Karen, Jack says he just lost the gay spelling bee]
Jack : Well, well, well. Look wh...Show more »
Jack : Well, well, well. Look wh...Show more »
[Thanks to Karen, Jack says he just lost the gay spelling bee]
Jack : Well, well, well. Look who it is. Got anything written on your freakishly tinier boob?
Karen : It's only smaller when it's scared.
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Jack : Well, well, well. Look who it is. Got anything written on your freakishly tinier boob?
Karen : It's only smaller when it's scared.
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Jack : Lesson for today: Though the eyes are the window to the soul, the zipper is the window to the...Show more »
Jack : Lesson for today: Though the eyes are the window to the soul, the zipper is the window to the underwear.
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Karen : Ugh. The subway was disgusting.
Jack : Karen, we took your limo.
Karen : Oh. I've got ...Show more »
Jack : Karen, we took your limo.
Karen : Oh. I've got ...Show more »
Karen : Ugh. The subway was disgusting.
Jack : Karen, we took your limo.
Karen : Oh. I've got to stop drinking those Big Gulps.
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Jack : Karen, we took your limo.
Karen : Oh. I've got to stop drinking those Big Gulps.
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Jack : But there's always a lot of rich, old gay guys at those things looking for younger gay guys t...Show more »
Jack : But there's always a lot of rich, old gay guys at those things looking for younger gay guys to take care of. You know, the way Dick Cheney takes care of George Bush.
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Jack : Heterosexual marriage is just wrong. I mean, if God had meant men and women to be together, h...Show more »
Jack : Heterosexual marriage is just wrong. I mean, if God had meant men and women to be together, he would have given them both penises.
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Jack : [singing] You can ring my beh-eh-ell. You can ring my bell.
Rosario : Ding Dong. Ding Do...Show more »
Rosario : Ding Dong. Ding Do...Show more »
Jack : [singing] You can ring my beh-eh-ell. You can ring my bell.
Rosario : Ding Dong. Ding Dong.
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Rosario : Ding Dong. Ding Dong.
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Grace : Are you wearing smarty-pants, because that was a great idea!
Jack : Well, no, but I might...Show more »
Jack : Well, no, but I might...Show more »
Grace : Are you wearing smarty-pants, because that was a great idea!
Jack : Well, no, but I might be wearing a witty thong!
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Jack : Well, no, but I might be wearing a witty thong!
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Jack : Can you contact me with Jude Law?
Psychic Sue : He's not dead.
Jack : I know, but I sti...Show more »
Psychic Sue : He's not dead.
Jack : I know, but I sti...Show more »
Jack : Can you contact me with Jude Law?
Psychic Sue : He's not dead.
Jack : I know, but I still want to make contact with his other side.
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Psychic Sue : He's not dead.
Jack : I know, but I still want to make contact with his other side.
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Grace : [making up a story about a vase they brought at a nick-nack store] It's a sad story actual...Show more »
Grace : [making up a story about a vase they brought at a nick-nack store] It's a sad story actually, it's the only thing that survived the fire that burned down the house when Grams accidentally answered the iron.
Jack : With her hook!
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Jack : With her hook!
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[Will just made a bad joke]
Jack : Please keep that to yourself, the religious right already ha...Show more »
Jack : Please keep that to yourself, the religious right already ha...Show more »
[Will just made a bad joke]
Jack : Please keep that to yourself, the religious right already hates us enough.
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Jack : Please keep that to yourself, the religious right already hates us enough.
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Jack : Will, you're going to be a great dad because for the past 10 years you've been a great one to...Show more »
Jack : Will, you're going to be a great dad because for the past 10 years you've been a great one to me.
Will : Wanna stop for ice cream?
Jack : Nah.
Will : Want to go to a bar and look at hot guys?
Jack : I love you daddy.
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Will : Wanna stop for ice cream?
Jack : Nah.
Will : Want to go to a bar and look at hot guys?
Jack : I love you daddy.
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[Will and Jack are in the car and Will does "the soccer mom arm save"]
Will : I just don't thin...Show more »
Will : I just don't thin...Show more »
[Will and Jack are in the car and Will does "the soccer mom arm save"]
Will : I just don't think I'm cut out to be a dad.
Jack : What are you talking about? You just did the soccer mom arm save.
Will : So?
Jack : So, you have the instinct.
Will : That wasn't the instinct of a dad, that was the instinct of a person who didn't take out insurance on his passenger.
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Will : I just don't think I'm cut out to be a dad.
Jack : What are you talking about? You just did the soccer mom arm save.
Will : So?
Jack : So, you have the instinct.
Will : That wasn't the instinct of a dad, that was the instinct of a person who didn't take out insurance on his passenger.
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Jack : Elliot, we're gonna have an adult conversation now so I think you should leave the room.
[...Show more »
[...Show more »
Jack : Elliot, we're gonna have an adult conversation now so I think you should leave the room.
[They start walking towards the door]
Elliot : Well, can I listen at the door?
Jack : [looking around] ... Yeah, I think that'd be okay.
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[They start walking towards the door]
Elliot : Well, can I listen at the door?
Jack : [looking around] ... Yeah, I think that'd be okay.
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Jack : Will, the sweetest thing just happened. The lady on the elevator said we were a cute couple.<...Show more »
Jack : Will, the sweetest thing just happened. The lady on the elevator said we were a cute couple.
Stuart : Well, actually she said, "Stop making out or the fires of Hell will consume you."
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Stuart : Well, actually she said, "Stop making out or the fires of Hell will consume you."
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Jack : Yeah. Oh, look! There he is. There's Bill. Isn't he dreamy?
Karen : Yeah, he's a slice of ...Show more »
Karen : Yeah, he's a slice of ...Show more »
Jack : Yeah. Oh, look! There he is. There's Bill. Isn't he dreamy?
Karen : Yeah, he's a slice of ice-cream cake. Now, when do I get to French-kiss a girl? Come on, when? When?
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Karen : Yeah, he's a slice of ice-cream cake. Now, when do I get to French-kiss a girl? Come on, when? When?
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[during Karen's wedding]
Jack : Here comes the bride... and she is pissed!
Jack : Here comes the bride... and she is pissed!
[during Karen's wedding]
Jack : Here comes the bride... and she is pissed!
Jack : Here comes the bride... and she is pissed!
Jack : Today is an important day for you. You're not just losing a friend, you're losing a hag.
W...Show more »
W...Show more »
Jack : Today is an important day for you. You're not just losing a friend, you're losing a hag.
Will : She is not my hag. She's just a single woman who used to be in love with me and who hasn't spent a day away from me since college.
[sighs]
Will : She's been a good hag.
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Will : She is not my hag. She's just a single woman who used to be in love with me and who hasn't spent a day away from me since college.
[sighs]
Will : She's been a good hag.
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Kevin Bacon : Man if I had a dollar for every jock strap my stalker stole from me...
Jack : You'd...Show more »
Jack : You'd...Show more »
Kevin Bacon : Man if I had a dollar for every jock strap my stalker stole from me...
Jack : You'd have $187!...
[Kevin Bacon looks at him strangely]
Jack : ...
[nervously]
Jack : It's just an expression.
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Jack : You'd have $187!...
[Kevin Bacon looks at him strangely]
Jack : ...
[nervously]
Jack : It's just an expression.
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Karen : [helping Jack practice for the Gay Spelling Bee] The word is... doily.
Jack : Doily.Show more »
Jack : Doily.
Karen : [helping Jack practice for the Gay Spelling Bee] The word is... doily.
Jack : Doily.
Karen : Doily.
Jack : Doily... could you use it in a sentence?
Karen : The man walked *doily* down the street.
Jack : Oh, doily! D-O-I-L-Y!
Karen : Right!
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Jack : Doily.
Karen : Doily.
Jack : Doily... could you use it in a sentence?
Karen : The man walked *doily* down the street.
Jack : Oh, doily! D-O-I-L-Y!
Karen : Right!
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Jack : Kiss it, kiss it, spank it.
Jack : Kiss it, kiss it, spank it.
Jack : Oh Karen, you'd do that for me? You'd invite my family into your own home?
Karen : Oh pood...Show more »
Karen : Oh pood...Show more »
Jack : Oh Karen, you'd do that for me? You'd invite my family into your own home?
Karen : Oh poodle when you put it like that... No.
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Karen : Oh poodle when you put it like that... No.
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Jack : we could play a sport like footskitball
Jack : we could play a sport like footskitball
Jack : Leo, she doesn't have ca-bobs. She has a ca-gina.
Karen : And nice ca-tits.
Karen : And nice ca-tits.
Jack : Leo, she doesn't have ca-bobs. She has a ca-gina.
Karen : And nice ca-tits.
Karen : And nice ca-tits.
[Will's date has just called to say he's running late]
Jack : Will, have you totally forgotten ...Show more »
Jack : Will, have you totally forgotten ...Show more »
[Will's date has just called to say he's running late]
Jack : Will, have you totally forgotten how to speak our language? 'Running late' is gay for 'I'm blowing you off.'
Will : Really. What's gay for 'get out'?
Jack : That would be 'good morning.'
[pause]
Will : [at the same time as Jack] Good morning, Jack.
[Jack leaves]
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Jack : Will, have you totally forgotten how to speak our language? 'Running late' is gay for 'I'm blowing you off.'
Will : Really. What's gay for 'get out'?
Jack : That would be 'good morning.'
[pause]
Will : [at the same time as Jack] Good morning, Jack.
[Jack leaves]
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[Karen is running a scam with her con-artist mother, and she is wearing a sweatshirt that says 'I Lo...Show more »
[Karen is running a scam with her con-artist mother, and she is wearing a sweatshirt that says 'I Loves Me Kitty']
Jack : Oh, my God, I have that same shirt! Except, um, mine has a big rooster on it, and it says 'I love me big, red - '
Will : Jack!
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Jack : Oh, my God, I have that same shirt! Except, um, mine has a big rooster on it, and it says 'I love me big, red - '
Will : Jack!
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[Jack and Will are shopping]
Jack : Will, I found it. The single CD shower companion.
[high-...Show more »
Jack : Will, I found it. The single CD shower companion.
[high-...Show more »
[Jack and Will are shopping]
Jack : Will, I found it. The single CD shower companion.
[high-pitched]
Jack : 'Cause you can never have too many companions in the shower!
Will : Jack. Isn't that why your membership to the 'Y' was revoked?
[they see Leo at the counter]
Jack : Ooh, check out the man-cake at the counter.
Will : I know that guy. That's that horse guy.
Jack : Ooh, me likes the sound of that! Come on, intro-seduce me.
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Jack : Will, I found it. The single CD shower companion.
[high-pitched]
Jack : 'Cause you can never have too many companions in the shower!
Will : Jack. Isn't that why your membership to the 'Y' was revoked?
[they see Leo at the counter]
Jack : Ooh, check out the man-cake at the counter.
Will : I know that guy. That's that horse guy.
Jack : Ooh, me likes the sound of that! Come on, intro-seduce me.
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[Grace is redecorating Jack's apartment, and Karen is paying]
Jack : [spreads arms] I've got ...Show more »
Jack : [spreads arms] I've got ...Show more »
[Grace is redecorating Jack's apartment, and Karen is paying]
Jack : [spreads arms] I've got it! A skylight.
Grace : [exasperated] Jack, we have already gone over this. You cannot put a skylight on the ninth floor of a 12-story building.
Jack : [screeching] Karen, I can't work like this!
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Jack : [spreads arms] I've got it! A skylight.
Grace : [exasperated] Jack, we have already gone over this. You cannot put a skylight on the ninth floor of a 12-story building.
Jack : [screeching] Karen, I can't work like this!
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Jack : Will, something bad happened.
Will : What?
Jack : I got turned on by that lap dancer!Show more »
Will : What?
Jack : I got turned on by that lap dancer!
Jack : Will, something bad happened.
Will : What?
Jack : I got turned on by that lap dancer!
Will : Are you sure?
Jack : Look, I know the difference between 6:00 and 12:00 and this was definitely Midnight at the Oasis!
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Will : What?
Jack : I got turned on by that lap dancer!
Will : Are you sure?
Jack : Look, I know the difference between 6:00 and 12:00 and this was definitely Midnight at the Oasis!
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Carla : Hey, are you going to come back and finish that lap dance?
Jack : Uh, no I don't think so...Show more »
Jack : Uh, no I don't think so...Show more »
Carla : Hey, are you going to come back and finish that lap dance?
Jack : Uh, no I don't think so!
Carla : Well, here's my card if you change your mind.
Jack : Well, thanks, Carl... wait, you're a Carl?
Carla : Just from the waist down. From the waist up I'm Carla.
Jack : Oh, thank God. I'm still gayer than Christmas!
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Jack : Uh, no I don't think so!
Carla : Well, here's my card if you change your mind.
Jack : Well, thanks, Carl... wait, you're a Carl?
Carla : Just from the waist down. From the waist up I'm Carla.
Jack : Oh, thank God. I'm still gayer than Christmas!
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Jack : That doesn't look like a salad to me! Where's the arugula? Where's the radicchio? Where's the...Show more »
Jack : That doesn't look like a salad to me! Where's the arugula? Where's the radicchio? Where's the Rwanda?
Ben Doucette : Jack, one of those isn't a salad ingredient so much as a war-torn country in Africa.
Jack : I know that! I sponsor a kid in Arugula!
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Ben Doucette : Jack, one of those isn't a salad ingredient so much as a war-torn country in Africa.
Jack : I know that! I sponsor a kid in Arugula!
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[during Jack 2001, Jack is singing and dancing to 'Arthur's Theme,' holding up pictures of the moon ...Show more »
[during Jack 2001, Jack is singing and dancing to 'Arthur's Theme,' holding up pictures of the moon and New York City]
Jack : The best that you can do - cha cha cha - the best that you can do - Chaka Khan - is fall in love... two, three, four, off. Thank you. Thanks for stickin' round.
Val : Whoo! Yay! Oh, my God, Jack. That was the best show ever. It felt like you were singing only to me.
Jack : Well, for the last seven shows, I was.
Val : Look, I don't know what to say. I just - I really just wanna... officially thank you for coming into my life. It's just that, well, you're my world now.
Jack : Yeah, about that, um... see, the problem is I live here
[holds up the New York picture]
Jack : and I'm thinking you live waaaaaay up here.
[holds up the moon picture]
Jack : .
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Jack : The best that you can do - cha cha cha - the best that you can do - Chaka Khan - is fall in love... two, three, four, off. Thank you. Thanks for stickin' round.
Val : Whoo! Yay! Oh, my God, Jack. That was the best show ever. It felt like you were singing only to me.
Jack : Well, for the last seven shows, I was.
Val : Look, I don't know what to say. I just - I really just wanna... officially thank you for coming into my life. It's just that, well, you're my world now.
Jack : Yeah, about that, um... see, the problem is I live here
[holds up the New York picture]
Jack : and I'm thinking you live waaaaaay up here.
[holds up the moon picture]
Jack : .
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Grace : It's a recurring dream. I keep having it over and over and over and over.
Jack : I see. I...Show more »
Jack : I see. I...Show more »
Grace : It's a recurring dream. I keep having it over and over and over and over.
Jack : I see. Is this the first time you've had it?
Grace : That's a good question, Jack. Okay, anyway. In my dream, I'm on the subway completely naked. And then, all of a sudden, that hot gardener from "Desperate Housewives" gets on, and he puts his hand on my breast. Then that hot smart guy from "Jeopardy!" gets on and puts his hand on my other breast. Then that hot Korean guy from "Lost" gets on and puts his hand on my other breast. Oh, yeah, in this dream I have three breasts.
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Jack : I see. Is this the first time you've had it?
Grace : That's a good question, Jack. Okay, anyway. In my dream, I'm on the subway completely naked. And then, all of a sudden, that hot gardener from "Desperate Housewives" gets on, and he puts his hand on my breast. Then that hot smart guy from "Jeopardy!" gets on and puts his hand on my other breast. Then that hot Korean guy from "Lost" gets on and puts his hand on my other breast. Oh, yeah, in this dream I have three breasts.
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Jack : [looks at Will in a shortie robe] Why the long robe?
Jack : [looks at Will in a shortie robe] Why the long robe?
Jack : Karen, you are constantly partially there for me... is there anything I can pretend to do for...Show more »
Jack : Karen, you are constantly partially there for me... is there anything I can pretend to do for you?
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[Jack is protesting a gay kiss being pulled from an NBC show, and has just been told the channel can...Show more »
[Jack is protesting a gay kiss being pulled from an NBC show, and has just been told the channel can't promote that lifestyle]
Jack : It's a gay network, for God's sake, the symbol is a peacock!
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Jack : It's a gay network, for God's sake, the symbol is a peacock!
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Will : This is a gay landmark!
Jack : The hospital where Judy Garland spewed out Liza Minnelli is...Show more »
Jack : The hospital where Judy Garland spewed out Liza Minnelli is...Show more »
Will : This is a gay landmark!
Jack : The hospital where Judy Garland spewed out Liza Minnelli is a gay landmark! This is just a bookstore.
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Jack : The hospital where Judy Garland spewed out Liza Minnelli is a gay landmark! This is just a bookstore.
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Jack : Haley Joel Osment, you look fantastic!
Jack : Haley Joel Osment, you look fantastic!
Jack : I've always wanted to perform... on the Broadway stage. The wigs, the makeup, the costumes......Show more »
Jack : I've always wanted to perform... on the Broadway stage. The wigs, the makeup, the costumes... and then I'd walk to the theater.
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HD
Annabelle: Creation
IMDb: 7
2017
109 min
Country: United States
Genre: Thriller, Horror, Mystery
Twelve years after the tragic death of their little girl, a dollmaker and his wife welcome a nun and several girls from a shuttered orphanage into ...
